Diary

I guess my grandma's hobby is flow down on my blood like writing something with emotion, when I upset I will write down what I feel. well I don't really sure but Blogging is one of my favorite things to do since in elementary school.

so today, I think it's really not to important but I wanna to let it go all the problems, words and thought in my life through this.

I know I'm a selfish girl, and a spoiled girl. But don't ever think I had so much attention from my family. well guess what? My friends are the best thing I've ever had. why? If they're not here in my life, I would feel this world is really flat.

but now? My boyfriend always busy :'( and again I feel lonely:') and he's always saying a sweet words but I don't know if it a really from his heart or just saying to make me feel happy. Really I always pray that Allah will give him so many luck :) but what? he can't taste what it feels like to be free? naughty? and give so much attention to his girlfriend?

I'm not mad, but I only feel sick. Sick and tired hearing all this kind of things. Always says "sorry I'm busy" with a sad emoticon. I know you're always busy but can't you be honest with your parents that you're tired and want to have a great times with friends? well I knew the answer, and simple. "My parents are different from yours"

ok I admit it's true. But again, why he didn't try a single idea from me? I know I'm such a bad girl, always hang out no matter it's rainy or hot. But sometimes we must try first and then if we knew the answer well it'd something awesome :D but again, you will comeback to that sentences again :)

I'm tired and really, I always fell asleep whenever wait your text or call. honestly, I'm tired. and I want to ride on my motorcycle and go to no where. And seeing something new and awesome :)

just for your information, I wrote this things up while crying. I can't hold up this tears. it's painful :')
And again.

Hoping is the only way but seeing the fact, I don't really know what am I must do right now :) forgiving you is  the only way, be patient with your behave is already my habit. But seeing you ignoring me? I (don't know).

happy anniversary for me and you Reza:) many love for you and today I was so happy until I can't say anyword :3

Haru haru (bigbang)+Rainy Mood

have you try to listen one of this song? you must listen to haru haru by bigbang! it's one of my favorite song:') Sorry but I just want to share it to you guys;)

This song have a nice instrumental. Especially in the piano's part. I bet you will fall in love in the first sight when you hear the piano vers. But also it's a great song. Bigbang sang it with emotion and that's why this song looks so great and nice! and it will spoiled your ears. I know almost all of you guys would think korean again and it's boring.

This song is different. Not like the others this song has something that makes your heart warm. Trust me, if you know this song, you will love it. And plus if you opened the youtube don't forget to listen this instrumental with rainy mood. And you will feel like you're in sad movie but it's about someone who you miss. I will give you the link;) make sure to hear it!! <3 p="p">this for the Haru haru -bigbang (Piano vers.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEl6kXVZSn4
This for the rainy mood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYw7eJYadco

first, pause both of them when you want to hear it. Then try to play both of them together in one time. I bet you will love it;) sorry is not my idea anyway and I got this from a comment don't know from who but when I try it well, it works;) give it to someone you love!

Allah bless you;)

Screw up!

sometimes being alone is something that I love the most but getting some attention from people is one of my favorite things! well holla at me! I'm the most annoying girl on earth. I admit it anyway.

People always getting me on the wrong way. I mean, if I closed to someone, they will think ok that girl has deep relationship with that guy. But what? you don't know a thing about me but screw you.

And I lost in battle called bacot in the real life. why? I can't say a word if I really mad. But when it has settle down, I will think and have so many words that I should scream out loud to it. I guess I really dumb. as a person. I wish people understand my feeling. And not only see me then judge me. Again, see me and judge me. Well for you who judge me but only know me from outside of me :
first, don't ever think you're the greatest human in the whole world. There's a God or Allah if you're muslim.
the second one, oh please don't make any bad rumor about me. Ask me first why then you may allow to talk about me as you want. but don't be too spicy.
I think it's enough. I just want to scream. mad but I don't know to whom I should do:\

Any way today was... I don't know how to say it anyway-_-"

Dunia Luar

sejak kecil gue emang banyak masalah sama sekolah. Tapi tidak sestres yang terjadi sekarang.

There's so many teachers who have two face. I really shocked and I admit I'm wrong. Why I must hug him and I regret everything that happened on September.

I regret it. But it is not all my fault. She, my ex teacher were let me hug him. Not mad at me and not trying to give us an order to move our sit. So think with logic, I'm still teen and she was already an adult.

and back to the subject,

guess I really a dumb girl who want to do the right thing for her. The way I think is really...call me stupid.

Outside world is really annoying. There's so many people wearing masks. and crap I enter the trap. I believe her. But she makes me hurt. She talked about me to her friends and one school now what I've done. Chitchat gossip are forbidden in Islam
but boom she break the rules. well I've read one about this. And I've tried not talk about people and again this behaviour already stuck on my mind.

I must not easly give someone a trust From now on, I must grow up with myself. Handle everything with all I have. And believe to Allah that Allah will always bless me, protect me, and makes me happy whenever I felt down:) thanks Allah for everything:)

Random Feelings (Part 1)

I don't know why but this day, I really love seeing or hearing my phone vibrating or something sign there's a text message come :3 but of course I'm very happy when I saw the text was from my bf :')

but... as the time goes by, I really felt we more farther than usual. I mean, there is so many wall between us. We can't text-ing each other often, otp and... meeting each other. I hate waiting a message, and yeah speak the truth I HATE if you're not replay my text. yap I hate it so much. I don't why esp. when I've sent you more than twice.

When I'm gonna check my phone, I wish there will be a text from you but? krik krik-_- there's no text :) only pain I got when I saw it. And I don't like when you asked "why" even though you already know the answer.

I know you're not a sensitive person but can you be that kind of person without I'm wishing it? I guess no :) This emoticon, not represent my true feeling. My true feeling is ":(" or may be worst like ":'(" why? I'm not  kind of person who like to make other people think "is she alright?" so I always wearing this mask. Even though he always knew that I'm not alright at all.

Am I have to suffer waiting his message? I don't know but when he sent me one message it makes me happy somehow. I miss him more than words ;') but is he miss me?

Now, right now I think he's busy. I feel like a young little girl who wants candy but his father still works and the lil' kid must save her own feeling. When her mother ask "whats wrong dear?" the girl answer " Nothing is wrong mom :)".

Again, said "ok" but wearing a mask. I really want to take off this mask and be my self! I want to be more honest with my self but it difficult :'

I don't know what should I wrote again. I don't want make any fight for me and him. I just wanna have a good nice relationship.

My wish for this week, Allah, please look after him :') because I'm still his "girlfriend" not his "wife" :) make his parents let him go wherever he wants. Let his parents know that he just a boy who wants to taste what is world is. Amin :)

Hampir....:')

Hampir setahun kepergian lo. Indahnya dunia hampir ga bisa gue rasain, gue pandangi dan gue nikmatiin karena lo udah pergi. Kesannya emang gue egois banget. Tapi apa daya gue tetep masih mau lo ada di sini, ketemu gue, terus gue ngeliat lo nikah sama perempuan yang lo cintai. Tapi Allah udah manggil lo dan lo pergi secara damai. Gue ga tau harus gimana lagi.

Gue sampe cerita sama racap gue tentang ini. Sholat pun tetep ada rasa ganjal di hati. Sumpah sampai cape hati ngomong tentang ini terus. Kebahagian ke gue emang banyak yang datang, tapi gue lebih bahagia kalo waktu itu gue denger lo sembuh terus pulang.

Masih inget kok pas berita kepergian lo disampaikan ke gue sama papa :'') Pas hujan, di mobil lagi dengerin lagu "Slippin' Away" - Aziatix. Tiba tiba bokap bilang gini (maaf ya rada rada lupa)

Bokap:"dev dev"
gue: " iya pa whatsup?"

b:"devi udah tau kan kalo kakak kamu sakit parah?"
g:"tau kok emang kenapa pa?"

b:"owh gini, kalo misalnya kakak kamu pergi, kamu bakal gimana?"
g:"......" "haha ga lucu banget pa pertanyaannya"

b:"papa lagi serius. gimana perasaan devi?"
g:"ahahha sedih lah. tapi mau diapain lagi kalo udah dipanggil?" /netes/

b:"beneran? ikhlas nih?"
g:"iyaaaaaaaaaaa kenapa sih paa? galucu banget tau ga"

b:"kakak kamu tadi meninggal jam 11an siang. Dia meninggalnya damai"
g:"ha papa boong banget. ga lucu sama sekali enggak" /mulai nangis/

bokap gue langsung diem. Semua ga ada yang bisa berkata satu pun kata. Bahkan dengan perasaan gue yang masih GA PERCAYA, gue langsung tanya nyokap gue begitu gue nyampe di rumah.

g:"ma ma emang kakak meninggal? masa kata papa iya. kan ga lucu banget kan?"
m:"dev, dia beneran meninggal."

deg. disini gue langsung ga tau harus ngapain lagi. udah bingung. Gue seharian ga keluar dari kamar, sumpah demi Allah gue masih ga percaya kakak udah pergi.

Bisa dibilang kejiwaan gue pas ini bener bener tergoncang. Bener bener butuh psikiater.
Bisa dibilang, gue gila sesaat. Gue ga bisa berhenti nangis, gue bener bener kaya kehilangan ortu gue sendiri.

Kakak gue, udah bener bener gue anggep kakak kandung walaupun dia sebenernya bukan. Dia cuma kakak sepupu gue.

15 tahun selalu disambut dengan senyumnya kalo gue go to my hometown, sekarang? ga ada :) sakit? banget.
Masih inget banget permintaan terakhirnya dia yang ga bisa gue penuhin sekarang.

/flashback
k:"dep dep, lebaran nanti pulang yaa. kita main petasan lagi ok?"
g:"pasti deeh tapi Insya Allah ya kak kalo aku pulang hehe"
k:"yah emang kenapa ga pulang dev? lebarang sepi ga ada kamu"
g:"hahaha bisa aja nih :p iyaa nanti aku liat jadwal dulu ok?"
k:"sip aku tunggu"

dan sekarang? :) cuma bisa senyum. banyak hikmah nya semenjak kepergiannya dia. I love you brother:)

Fin